Humans had become very distrustful, it seemed.
A centuries-old genie was presenting three humans with, what he thought, was an amazing opportunity. During an amateur fossil hunt, they had stumbled upon his lamp and while cleaning their find, evoked the jinn.
"Purely on accident," they insisted "so sorry to have woken you."
The genie was used to humans being demanding and ungrateful so he found the courtesy shown to be a pleasant surprise. He assured them it was no problem at all, he'd been eager to stretch his legs for some time now,and happily offered his services to what appeared to be a group of very nice people.
"As you may already know from lore, I am able to grant three wishes. Unfortunately, I may only grant three at a time so you will have to split the wishes amongst yourselves. One wish per individual is still not so bad, though!" He cheerily exclaimed, not without hope that this group would be the ones to finally use one of their wishes to free him from his servitude.
Instead, they had responded with suspicion.
"Where are the loopholes?" One middle-aged man wearing too-large spectacles and freshly-pressed khakis asked.
"Loopholes?"
"Yes, you know, loopholes. For example, if I wish for immortality will I be condemning myself?"
"What? Condemning yourself? I don't think I underst-"
"If I choose immortality, I will have to watch the ones I love wither away, yes? Suppose I am able to wish for my own immortality as well as that of another! Would this be possible?"
"Ah! But who would you choose?" The other man interjected before the genie could respond. He was a stout man of about the same age, perhaps a few years older, with a thick, gray mustache. "Even if you chose someone you think you truly love now, whose to say you won't tire of them in time? My goodness, Elizabeth and I have only been together for 20 years and she already drives me crazy!" He nearly yelled with mirth.
The genie opened his mouth to speak when the other human, a woman in her mid-to-late thirties with wild, dirty blonde hair spoke.
"While all that may be true, you would have a million lifetimes of new love to compensate for it! What a romantic possibility!"
"Indeed it is! But there are other factors involved here. Tell me, genie, if I am to become immortal and there is a horrible disaster that leads to the end of Earth as we know it, what happens to me then?"
"I cannot grant immortality" The magical being said, relieved to finally having gotten a word in. "I technically could, but I would not on sheer principle. Anyone wishing for immortality would be forced to take my place inside the lamp. If I were the selfish sort I may want someone to do so that I may be released from my prison, but my hopes are that one day someone, out of the kindness of their own heart, will wish to-"
"Ah, that is quite the loophole! Well, what are our other options then? I suppose we may wish for wealth or beauty but even then..."
It was at this point the jinn stopped listening. They obviously had no interest in what he had to say and all kindness they had shown seemed to have been stemmed from a false sense of etiquette. The three discussed their ideas in excited tones, pointing out the specifics that could go horribly wrong in each scenario. As they did so, the genie amused himself by drawing figures in the dirt with a stick he had found. About an hour passed and he had completed a fairly detailed portrait of his late wife when they called for him.
"Oh, Genie! Yoohoo! We've made our decision."
Although he had realized his chances were slim, his ears perked up at the prospect of being freed.
"Yes! What may I do for you, my masters?"
"We would each like to order a nice lunch, please. I would like a chipotle chicken club on wheat, light mayo and easy on the tomato. Oh, and just a sparkling water with lemon to drink."
The genie stared expressionlessly at the bespectacled man. He had been forced to do many thing during his stay in the lamp, but play waiter was not one of them.
The frizzy-haired woman must have taken his silence for patience and began her own order.
"I would just love a veggie wrap with avocado ranch and a diet soda...oh, you know what? I've been good, I think I'll splurge a little! Give me a regular soda." She smiled with self-satisfaction at her choice and made a hand motion towards her portly companion.
"Well, let's see here...I'm not really all that hungry at the moment," He trailed off while stroking his facial hair, "so I suppose I'll just have bruschetta and a sweet tea."
After another period of silence the genie finally spoke.
"You want...lunch?"
"Yes, I thought we made that clear. Would you like us to repeat our orders?"
"No, I just-"
"Oh! And nothing of this meal must be harmful to anyone at all! This means nothing we are allergic to and nothing poisonous."
"What? Of course! I would never-"
"A table to eat on would be lovely, as well. If it's not too much to ask, of course."
"And chairs! Don't forget chairs!"
"Ah yes! Chairs! Also, if you could make my sandwich with free-range chicken, that would be great."
The genie, too much in shock to do anything else, summoned their meals on a decent-enough looking dining table and took his leave back into his lamp. The meal was indeed, very good. Not the best they had ever had, but they all agreed it was much better than the little Italian place they sometimes spent their lunch breaks at. They all felt very pleased with the fact that they had managed to avoid an unfortunate fate based on a technicality and toasted their drinks to their own wit. Their delight, however, was ended abruptly when they remembered they had been horribly lost in the desert for about 3 hours and no one had thought to wish for a map.
Note: I rarely write fiction, so go easy on me.
Friday, July 15, 2011
Friday, July 1, 2011
7 types of Facebook friends
The title of this one is pretty self-explanatory. I'm pretty confident in the accuracy of this list, only stopping to point out that some people don't fit into just one of these categories. I would also like to preface this by saying I am, by no means, an expert on social networking, people, or pretty much anything. There's bound to be a few people who are offended, but whatever. I did it for the lulz.
The under-educated and over-opinionated
I begin with this one because I perhaps make the cruelest judgement of these people and why not start off with a bang, right? You all know these people, chances are you've been one at some point in your life. Like, when you're very drunk or very 14-years-old. Other than that, there are no excuses. When I speak of these plebians, I am specifically referring to self-righteous proclamations with little to no logic behind them. These are usually, but not always racist, homophobic, sexist, religiously intolerant, classist, ageist or etc. I don't expect people to hold the same beliefs as I do (you know, that everyone is equal or some shit. Crazy, right?) but I DO expect people to do at least a little reading before they make absurd claims. I don't even bother responding to these people because it never gets you anywhere. They just use the same flawed logic until they feel they have "won" or they propose you "agree to disagree". No, I won't do that. Because you're wrong.
Not only that, but the under-educated and over-opinionated have the tendency to be hypocrites. This means one day they may be ridiculing the type of clothing they see someone wearing or how someone's accent sounds, then the next they are posting a status that is something along the lines of this: "ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM!!! GOD MADE ME THIS WAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I LOOK LIKE OR WHAT I WEAR! I'M ME!!" Immediately after seeing a misguided status like this, I audibly express frustration every single time. The only other thing that involves Facebook that makes me yell (so angrily that people have been known to come to my aid mistaking it for a cry of pain) is Robot Unicorn Attack. If you have managed to make me so mad that it outweighs the fury of crashing into a wall during a particularly high score, you are a major fuckwit.
I would like to point out that there are a good number of people who do this sort of thing that do, in fact, hold the same views has I. Idiots come in all shapes and sizes.
Parents
We all wish our parents never heard about Facebook. Even if you love them and legitimately think they're cool people, you don't want them to "friend" you. I will use my own mother as a direct example, as her behavior is not uncommon as far as parental use of Facebook goes. Here is some recent activity:
Ma, no one cares that you cleaned your kitchen. Like, no one. Also, do not say "goodnight" to Facebook. It is a website, not a baby. Lastly, you have no idea how to use ellipses. I know if I don't specify what I am talking about tomorrow you will say "I read your thing. What are ellipses and why are you so mean?!" so here is a link for your use: http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/ellipsis.aspx
That kind of status isn't actually that bad, it doesn't annoy me past eyeroll level. What does, however, is when she contacts my friends when she can't get in touch with me. When I was living in Philadelphia and she was living in Florida, I would miss her calls a lot and maybe not call back right away. I was always losing my phone charger or the phone itself and I've always slept really crazy hours (sometimes I will not sleep for days and others I will sleep for 14 hours straight). Needless to say, it usually took me a day or two to get back to her. Regardless of the fact that she kind of expected it at this point, she would freak out every time she didn't hear back from me within about 4 hours. Freaking out means posting on my friends' walls or sending them messages. I can't even tell you how many times I've had friends walk into my apartment saying "Call your mom" as their greeting.
The worst, though, is the tagged photos. Dear lord, the tagged photos! I worked so hard to transform myself from the ugly duckling I was ages 5-16 to the mildly attractive goose I am today, I don't need my mom/extended family tagging me in photos like this:
I didn't even like soccer that much.
Clever assholes begging for attention through humor
For the record, I'd like to state that I love these people and probably fall into this category the most, myself. I have a ton of awesome comedian/writer/generally intelligent sarcastic friends to provide me with the lulz but being similar to them in my thinking style, they are completely transparent to me. I have never encountered such insecurity as I have with smart, funny people. These are your friends who post interesting photos with hilarious captions, witty statuses, and biting responses. They are brilliant and they know it. The problem with being brilliant, however, is that you're more likely to recognize your own flaws therefore becoming more likely to seek validation from others. In a nutshell, here is this person's general line of thinking: "Yes, I am an asshole. But look how funny I am! Don't you want to like my status? Does that mean you like me now? ARE YOU PROUD OF ME NOW, DAD?"
Over 9000 statuses a day users
I don't have much to say on this subject other than: Holy crap, do we really need a constant update on your life? Oh, you just went food shopping? That's nice. I don't give a shit, that's what Twitter is for.
Morons who talk about their significant others way too much
I think we've all been guilty of spending a little too much time describing how good our partner is at Rock Band or how amazing their Chicken Marsala recipe is, that's normal when you feel a certain amount of affection for another. The difference is how publicly we discuss this kind of thing and at what frequency. When I see people repeatedly posting statuses about their boyfriend/girlfriend/etc, I automatically think "Their relationship must suck and they are trying to compensate for it with PDA." I realize this is probably extremely presumptuous and a little heartless, but I myself, am extremely presumptuous and a little heartless.
I actually really enjoy the occasional "So-and-so is so amazing, he/she did this today and I love him/her!". It gives me hope in the idea that romance is not dead and I don't feel the overwhelming urge to drink myself to sleep as much that night because life is not so bleak and unforgiving as initially thought! However, when it is done to the extent where it appears forced, it does the exact opposite. In fact, when I come across something like this, I am much more likely to go rummaging in the cabinets for liquor.
Young mothers/fathers who use their babies as accessories
There is a bit of a running gag that people should be subjected to an IQ test before they are allowed to have children. This is flawed, unfortunately, as I know plenty of "stupid" people who make damn good parents. Intelligence and common sense are two entirely different things. I propose, instead, we administer a simple, one question test consisting of only the following: Do you think your infant is a purse?
Taking pictures of your offspring is by no means wrong or strange. Seeing the growth of a child through time can be rewarding for many. Be that as it may, taking bathroom mirror pics while holding your baby and making a "sexy" face strikes me as a little odd. Ladies and gentleman (and those in between), please don't use your children as a cry for attention. It's kind of pathetic. It's not uncommon for these parents to also be the type of people who regularly update their statuses with details on how drunk they got the previous night. There is nothing wrong with letting loose once in awhile but once you're knocked up, it's time to let go of your party girl/boy image. Especially if your little one is old enough to check out your tagged photos. No one wants to see Mommy taking body shots.
Those who use Facebook as a soapbox
I saved this one for last as I knew it'd be the hardest for me to write. Why is that, you ask? Because these are the people I am most connected with and the most afraid to offend. Those who use Facebook as a means to "get the truth out" are inspiring to me. They truly do not give a fuck if people think they are crazy/disagree with what they believe in. But holy crap do they make me feel guilty. Whenever I click "not attending" to an invite for a community outreach workshop or I ignore a petition to save the whales, I feel as though I am a terrible parasite to society. I've made calls for Greenpeace, donated time and money to various causes I support, I get daily emails from the ACLU and text messages from the Human Rights Campaign. SEE, I'M A GOOD PERSON, I CARE ABOUT STUFF OR WHATEVER! I do feel like I have an obligation to take action and there's always more I can be doing but sometimes I just really don't feel like reading my friend's 4-page manifesto or watch their 20-minute long video on the benefits of eating gluten-free. I care about this stuff, I really do! But man, sometimes a girl just wants to watch a video of a llama getting tickled...and if that's wrong, I don't want to be right.
I've been trying to update this, no really, I have. I've been so exhausted and stressed that every attempt just turned into some melodramatic prose, but I gots me a nap and now I'm rarin' to go, yeeeehaaaaaaw!
The under-educated and over-opinionated
I begin with this one because I perhaps make the cruelest judgement of these people and why not start off with a bang, right? You all know these people, chances are you've been one at some point in your life. Like, when you're very drunk or very 14-years-old. Other than that, there are no excuses. When I speak of these plebians, I am specifically referring to self-righteous proclamations with little to no logic behind them. These are usually, but not always racist, homophobic, sexist, religiously intolerant, classist, ageist or etc. I don't expect people to hold the same beliefs as I do (you know, that everyone is equal or some shit. Crazy, right?) but I DO expect people to do at least a little reading before they make absurd claims. I don't even bother responding to these people because it never gets you anywhere. They just use the same flawed logic until they feel they have "won" or they propose you "agree to disagree". No, I won't do that. Because you're wrong.
Not only that, but the under-educated and over-opinionated have the tendency to be hypocrites. This means one day they may be ridiculing the type of clothing they see someone wearing or how someone's accent sounds, then the next they are posting a status that is something along the lines of this: "ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM!!! GOD MADE ME THIS WAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I LOOK LIKE OR WHAT I WEAR! I'M ME!!" Immediately after seeing a misguided status like this, I audibly express frustration every single time. The only other thing that involves Facebook that makes me yell (so angrily that people have been known to come to my aid mistaking it for a cry of pain) is Robot Unicorn Attack. If you have managed to make me so mad that it outweighs the fury of crashing into a wall during a particularly high score, you are a major fuckwit.
I would like to point out that there are a good number of people who do this sort of thing that do, in fact, hold the same views has I. Idiots come in all shapes and sizes.
Parents
We all wish our parents never heard about Facebook. Even if you love them and legitimately think they're cool people, you don't want them to "friend" you. I will use my own mother as a direct example, as her behavior is not uncommon as far as parental use of Facebook goes. Here is some recent activity:
Ma, no one cares that you cleaned your kitchen. Like, no one. Also, do not say "goodnight" to Facebook. It is a website, not a baby. Lastly, you have no idea how to use ellipses. I know if I don't specify what I am talking about tomorrow you will say "I read your thing. What are ellipses and why are you so mean?!" so here is a link for your use: http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/ellipsis.aspx
That kind of status isn't actually that bad, it doesn't annoy me past eyeroll level. What does, however, is when she contacts my friends when she can't get in touch with me. When I was living in Philadelphia and she was living in Florida, I would miss her calls a lot and maybe not call back right away. I was always losing my phone charger or the phone itself and I've always slept really crazy hours (sometimes I will not sleep for days and others I will sleep for 14 hours straight). Needless to say, it usually took me a day or two to get back to her. Regardless of the fact that she kind of expected it at this point, she would freak out every time she didn't hear back from me within about 4 hours. Freaking out means posting on my friends' walls or sending them messages. I can't even tell you how many times I've had friends walk into my apartment saying "Call your mom" as their greeting.
The worst, though, is the tagged photos. Dear lord, the tagged photos! I worked so hard to transform myself from the ugly duckling I was ages 5-16 to the mildly attractive goose I am today, I don't need my mom/extended family tagging me in photos like this:
I didn't even like soccer that much.
Clever assholes begging for attention through humor
For the record, I'd like to state that I love these people and probably fall into this category the most, myself. I have a ton of awesome comedian/writer/generally intelligent sarcastic friends to provide me with the lulz but being similar to them in my thinking style, they are completely transparent to me. I have never encountered such insecurity as I have with smart, funny people. These are your friends who post interesting photos with hilarious captions, witty statuses, and biting responses. They are brilliant and they know it. The problem with being brilliant, however, is that you're more likely to recognize your own flaws therefore becoming more likely to seek validation from others. In a nutshell, here is this person's general line of thinking: "Yes, I am an asshole. But look how funny I am! Don't you want to like my status? Does that mean you like me now? ARE YOU PROUD OF ME NOW, DAD?"
Over 9000 statuses a day users
I don't have much to say on this subject other than: Holy crap, do we really need a constant update on your life? Oh, you just went food shopping? That's nice. I don't give a shit, that's what Twitter is for.
Morons who talk about their significant others way too much
I think we've all been guilty of spending a little too much time describing how good our partner is at Rock Band or how amazing their Chicken Marsala recipe is, that's normal when you feel a certain amount of affection for another. The difference is how publicly we discuss this kind of thing and at what frequency. When I see people repeatedly posting statuses about their boyfriend/girlfriend/etc, I automatically think "Their relationship must suck and they are trying to compensate for it with PDA." I realize this is probably extremely presumptuous and a little heartless, but I myself, am extremely presumptuous and a little heartless.
I actually really enjoy the occasional "So-and-so is so amazing, he/she did this today and I love him/her!". It gives me hope in the idea that romance is not dead and I don't feel the overwhelming urge to drink myself to sleep as much that night because life is not so bleak and unforgiving as initially thought! However, when it is done to the extent where it appears forced, it does the exact opposite. In fact, when I come across something like this, I am much more likely to go rummaging in the cabinets for liquor.
Young mothers/fathers who use their babies as accessories
There is a bit of a running gag that people should be subjected to an IQ test before they are allowed to have children. This is flawed, unfortunately, as I know plenty of "stupid" people who make damn good parents. Intelligence and common sense are two entirely different things. I propose, instead, we administer a simple, one question test consisting of only the following: Do you think your infant is a purse?
Taking pictures of your offspring is by no means wrong or strange. Seeing the growth of a child through time can be rewarding for many. Be that as it may, taking bathroom mirror pics while holding your baby and making a "sexy" face strikes me as a little odd. Ladies and gentleman (and those in between), please don't use your children as a cry for attention. It's kind of pathetic. It's not uncommon for these parents to also be the type of people who regularly update their statuses with details on how drunk they got the previous night. There is nothing wrong with letting loose once in awhile but once you're knocked up, it's time to let go of your party girl/boy image. Especially if your little one is old enough to check out your tagged photos. No one wants to see Mommy taking body shots.
Those who use Facebook as a soapbox
I saved this one for last as I knew it'd be the hardest for me to write. Why is that, you ask? Because these are the people I am most connected with and the most afraid to offend. Those who use Facebook as a means to "get the truth out" are inspiring to me. They truly do not give a fuck if people think they are crazy/disagree with what they believe in. But holy crap do they make me feel guilty. Whenever I click "not attending" to an invite for a community outreach workshop or I ignore a petition to save the whales, I feel as though I am a terrible parasite to society. I've made calls for Greenpeace, donated time and money to various causes I support, I get daily emails from the ACLU and text messages from the Human Rights Campaign. SEE, I'M A GOOD PERSON, I CARE ABOUT STUFF OR WHATEVER! I do feel like I have an obligation to take action and there's always more I can be doing but sometimes I just really don't feel like reading my friend's 4-page manifesto or watch their 20-minute long video on the benefits of eating gluten-free. I care about this stuff, I really do! But man, sometimes a girl just wants to watch a video of a llama getting tickled...and if that's wrong, I don't want to be right.
I've been trying to update this, no really, I have. I've been so exhausted and stressed that every attempt just turned into some melodramatic prose, but I gots me a nap and now I'm rarin' to go, yeeeehaaaaaaw!
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