7 types of Facebook friends

The title of this one is pretty self-explanatory. I'm pretty confident in the accuracy of this list, only stopping to point out that some people don't fit into just one of these categories. I would also like to preface this by saying I am, by no means, an expert on social networking, people, or pretty much anything. There's bound to be a few people who are offended, but whatever. I did it for the lulz.

The under-educated and over-opinionated
I begin with this one because I perhaps make the cruelest judgement of these people and why not start off with a bang, right? You all know these people, chances are you've been one at some point in your life. Like, when you're very drunk or very 14-years-old. Other than that, there are no excuses. When I speak of these plebians, I am specifically referring to self-righteous proclamations with little to no logic behind them. These are usually, but not always racist, homophobic, sexist, religiously intolerant, classist, ageist or etc.  I don't expect people to hold the same beliefs as I do (you know, that everyone is equal or some shit. Crazy, right?) but I DO expect people to do at least a little reading before they make absurd claims. I don't even bother responding to these people because it never gets you anywhere. They just use the same flawed logic until they feel they have "won" or they propose you "agree to disagree". No, I won't do that. Because you're wrong.

Not only that, but the under-educated and over-opinionated have the tendency to be hypocrites. This means one day they may be ridiculing the type of clothing they see someone wearing or how someone's accent sounds, then the next they are posting a status that is something along the lines of this: "ACCEPT ME FOR WHO I AM!!! GOD MADE ME THIS WAY, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHAT I LOOK LIKE OR WHAT I WEAR! I'M ME!!" Immediately after seeing a misguided status like this, I audibly express frustration every single time. The only other thing that involves Facebook that makes me yell (so angrily that people have been known to come to my aid mistaking it for a cry of pain) is Robot Unicorn Attack. If you have managed to make me so mad that it outweighs the fury of crashing into a wall during a particularly high score, you are a major fuckwit.

I would like to point out that there are a good number of people who do this sort of thing that do, in fact, hold the same views has I. Idiots come in all shapes and sizes.

Parents
We all wish our parents never heard about Facebook. Even if you love them and legitimately think they're cool people, you don't want them to "friend" you. I will use my own mother as a direct example, as her behavior is not uncommon as far as parental use of Facebook goes. Here is some recent activity:

Ahh..saturday night, stayed in and cleaned my kitchen..think I will go to bed now..goodnight FB

about an hour ago

Ma, no one cares that you cleaned your kitchen. Like, no one. Also, do not say "goodnight" to Facebook. It is a website, not a baby. Lastly, you have no idea how to use ellipses. I know if I don't specify what I am talking about tomorrow you will say "I read your thing. What are ellipses and why are you so mean?!" so here is a link for your use: http://grammar.quickanddirtytips.com/ellipsis.aspx

That kind of status isn't actually that bad, it doesn't annoy me past eyeroll level. What does, however, is when she contacts my friends when she can't get in touch with me. When I was living in Philadelphia and she was living in Florida, I would miss her calls a lot and maybe not call back right away. I was always losing my phone charger or the phone itself and I've always slept really crazy hours (sometimes I will not sleep for days and others I will sleep for 14 hours straight). Needless to say, it usually took me a day or two to get back to her. Regardless of the fact that she kind of expected it at this point, she would freak out every time she didn't hear back from me within about 4 hours. Freaking out means posting on my friends' walls or sending them messages. I can't even tell you how many times I've had friends walk into my apartment saying "Call your mom" as their greeting.

The worst, though, is the tagged photos. Dear lord, the tagged photos! I worked so hard to transform myself from the ugly duckling I was ages 5-16 to the mildly attractive goose I am today, I don't need my mom/extended family tagging me in photos like this:

I didn't even like soccer that much.

Clever assholes begging for attention through humor


For the record, I'd like to state that I love these people and probably fall into this category the most, myself. I have a ton of awesome comedian/writer/generally intelligent sarcastic friends to provide me with the lulz but being similar to them in my thinking style, they are completely transparent to me. I have never encountered such insecurity as I have with smart, funny people. These are your friends who post interesting photos with hilarious captions, witty statuses, and biting responses. They are brilliant and they know it. The problem with being brilliant, however, is that you're more likely to recognize your own flaws therefore becoming more likely to seek validation from others. In a nutshell, here is this person's general line of thinking: "Yes, I am an asshole. But look how funny I am! Don't you want to like my status? Does that mean you like me now? ARE YOU PROUD OF ME NOW, DAD?"

Over 9000 statuses a day users


I don't have much to say on this subject other than: Holy crap, do we really need a constant update on your life? Oh, you just went food shopping? That's nice. I don't give a shit, that's what Twitter is for.

Morons who talk about their significant others way too much


I think we've all been guilty of spending a little too much time describing how good our partner is at Rock Band or how amazing their Chicken Marsala recipe is, that's normal when you feel a certain amount of affection for another. The difference is how publicly we discuss this kind of thing and at what frequency. When I see people repeatedly posting statuses about their boyfriend/girlfriend/etc, I automatically think "Their relationship must suck and they are trying to compensate for it with PDA." I realize this is probably extremely presumptuous and a little heartless, but I myself, am extremely presumptuous and a little heartless.

I actually really enjoy the occasional "So-and-so is so amazing, he/she did this today and I love him/her!". It gives me hope in the idea that romance is not dead and I don't feel the overwhelming urge to drink myself to sleep as much that night because life is not so bleak and unforgiving as initially thought! However, when it is done to the extent where it appears forced, it does the exact opposite. In fact, when I come across something like this, I am much more likely to go rummaging in the cabinets for liquor.

Young mothers/fathers who use their babies as accessories


There is a bit of a running gag that people should be subjected to an IQ test before they are allowed to have children. This is flawed, unfortunately, as I know plenty of "stupid" people who make damn good parents. Intelligence and common sense are two entirely different things. I propose, instead,  we administer a simple, one question test consisting of only the following: Do you think your infant is a purse?

Taking pictures of your offspring is by no means wrong or strange. Seeing the growth of a child through time can be rewarding for many. Be that as it may, taking bathroom mirror pics while holding your baby and making a "sexy" face strikes me as a little odd. Ladies and gentleman (and those in between), please don't use your children as a cry for attention. It's kind of pathetic. It's not uncommon for these parents to also be the type of people who regularly update their statuses with details on how drunk they got the previous night. There is nothing wrong with letting loose once in awhile but once you're knocked up, it's time to let go of your party girl/boy image. Especially if your little one is old enough to check out your tagged photos. No one wants to see Mommy taking body shots.

Those who use Facebook as a soapbox


I saved this one for last as I knew it'd be the hardest for me to write. Why is that, you ask? Because these are the people I am most connected with and the most afraid to offend. Those who use Facebook as a means to "get the truth out" are inspiring to me. They truly do not give a fuck if people think they are crazy/disagree with what they believe in. But holy crap do they make me feel guilty. Whenever I click "not attending" to an invite for a community outreach workshop or I ignore a petition to save the whales, I feel as though I am a terrible parasite to society. I've made calls for Greenpeace, donated time and money to various causes I support, I get daily emails from the ACLU and text messages from the Human Rights Campaign. SEE, I'M A GOOD PERSON, I CARE ABOUT STUFF OR WHATEVER! I do feel like I have an obligation to take action and there's always more I can be doing but sometimes I just really don't feel like reading my friend's 4-page manifesto or watch their 20-minute long video on the benefits of eating gluten-free. I care about this stuff, I really do! But man, sometimes a girl just wants to watch a video of a llama getting tickled...and if that's wrong, I don't want to be right.



I've been trying to update this, no really, I have. I've been so exhausted and stressed that every attempt just turned into some melodramatic prose, but I gots me a nap and now I'm rarin' to go, yeeeehaaaaaaw!

Handsome "average Joe" is down on his luck and needs money for his mother's operation. He kidnaps a wealthy heiress for the ransom. Holed up in his dank, one bedroom apartment they learn they're not so different...and a little about love.

There, I wrote a script for a Lifetime movie. Now where can I pick up my check?

I will never, ever be cool.

If you watch the news, you know that what’s hot right now is a drug that simultaneously kills brain cells, rots your teeth, gives you wrinkles, makes you crazy, and gets you pregnant. And all your of 12 year old children are huffing it behind the jungle gym.

If you read fashion magazines, you know that what’s hot right now is eating nothing but kale until you are skinny enough to fit into that itchy, wool shawl that makes you look 30 pounds heavier anyway.

If you have ever talked to me for more than 5 minutes, you know that I have no idea what is cool.

The whole “liking something because other people don’t” fixation makes little to no sense to me. Does this mean I shouldn’t be caught dead eating Twizzlers anymore? Or that if I’m seen wearing pants I’ll become a social pariah? I’m not sure if anyone has noticed, but Twizzlers and wearing pants are pretty popular.

I have never been able to keep up with trends. It’s not that I’m some elitist that refuses to take part, it’s just I never really “get it” until it’s too late. I started listening to bands that would be considered emo years after all the scene kids abandoned their black hair dye and jelly bracelets. I only realized how much I liked PBR once the hipsters decided it was too mainstream. All of my friends are posting Facebook statuses in the vein of “Ugh, I’m so tired of dubstep” while I’m left exclaiming “Hey, this Vaski guy is pretty neat!”

It seems like you can only like something if everyone else hates it. This is something I have trouble with, as I have the tendency to like things. Horrible, I know.

If I had to guess what is in right now or what may become the new “it” thing in the future, this is what I would guess:

Oil paintings depicting hardcore bestiality

Poison-laced harmonicas

Dildos made of repurposed vinyl records

Polka

Those sneakers that light up when you walk

Diets consisting only of foods that have been genetically modified

Body hair (this one is actually wishful thinking, I hate shaving)

Dudes in dresses (also wishful thinking, I dig thighs)

I’m kind of just taking a stab in the dark with this list. Maybe stabbing people in the dark is cool, too. You never know. I really hope that at least one of these things become hip. Then, when an old gentleman asks me what’s all the rage with the whippersnappers these days I can respond with confidence and the hope he has delicious caramel candies in his pocket that he will reward me with for being such a nice young lady. Little does he know what a terrible, uncool person I am…haha, gotcha, gramps!

I know I’ll never be chic or contemporary. This is something I was forced to come to terms with in my angsty teenage years. When I was 14, I tried really hard to be a metalhead. I refused to listen to anything that didn’t have a “kick-ass breakdown”. I wore heavy black eyeliner that would streak down my face when I sweat and pants with an unreasonable amount of zippers and chains. I started saying things like “Fuckin’ A” and “Man, you just don’t get it.” At family barbeques, I’d sit inside so that I could keep my complexion a nice pasty white. I put this incredible amount of pressure on myself to fit into this mold and when I finally felt like I had fully embodied this subculture, everyone in my high school was listening to Taking Back Sunday and “skunking” their hair. Now that I am older and (slightly) wiser I have to admit: I never really liked death metal all that much. There are a few bands I love to this day and I’m a big fan of those who are on the border between hard rock and straight metal…but for the most part, death metal kind of just gives me a headache.

After realizing I liked wearing clothes that weren’t strictly black, I drifted into this odd 80s obsessed phase. I began wearing brightly colored plastic hair accessories and a single dangling earring. I can’t even begin to describe how much animal print was incorporated into my wardrobe. At the peak of this atrocity, I chopped all my hair off and dyed it red in an effort to look like Molly Ringwald. After that, I slowly morphed into a sort of modern day hippie, going as far as scribbling peace signs and Fleetwood Mac lyrics on my jeans with permanent markers. I even started going barefoot everywhere, school included. That one stopped abruptly when I saw someone spitting on the hallway floor (besides, I was tired of getting my toes stepped on). When the allure of being a wannabe hippie faded, I thought I was punk for awhile. I replaced pants with plaid skirts and ripped stockings, I knew all the words to my Ramones greatest hits album, I had a ridiculously short, hot pink mohawk, and I briefly dated a shaggy-haired skateboarder who was in this like, super awesome band that you should totally check out on myspace! I thought I was really, really cool. I was a trend-setter! But I just looked like kind of an idiot.

Not only was keeping up with these self-imposed stereotypes tiring, but it eventually dawned on me that none of these things were ever fashionable with my age group and most people just thought I was strange and probably a little creepy. These days my interests reflect what I actually like, not just an urge to rebel against the mainstream or alternatively to fit in with such. On occasion I attempt to look like a normal member of society (to make shoplifting easier, of course). I do the majority of my shopping at thrift stores so I’m always getting “last season’s” clothes. I didn’t grasp what the cool thing (or uncool thing, if you’re a hipster) to do was when I was younger and I certainly don’t now. Trying to do so just seems futile with my low attention span. I still love John Hughes movies, The Ramones, walking around barefoot and I think that I will always have an affinity for both animal prints and knee-high combat boots. Both my mother and my boyfriend think said boots are ridiculous but whatever, they just don’t get it, man!

Point is; I like way too much weird shit to ever commit to a style or fad. Hopefully being a self-loathing, sarcastic bitch will become the new hot thing but until then I guess I’ll just keep being myself and not worry about it.

My brand of crazy.

In my first entry of this piece of crap, I went into detail about how my disorder came to surface. However, I never explicitly said what disorder I have.

When I was around 15, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. When I tell people this, they often jump to the conclusion that I am schizophrenic...and in a way they are correct in that assumption. Most people have never even heard of this disorder, I know I didn't until I had been diagnosed.

I tend to believe in things like fate and burning sage to heal ailments. One of my most commonly used phrases is "I lost my train of thought." I'm nowhere near introverted, so I kind of dodged a bullet there, but I do have the tendency to become extremely paranoid about others' intentions (something that is very much associated with my disorder). I think that everyone whose ever met me can agree I fit into the last one.

Most of my symptoms aren't bad at all. I've found a nice balance between batshit crazy and having a social life. The general public still thinks I'm weird but these days more and more people seem to think I'm "quirky" or "eccentric"...and that's pretty cool. Having schizotypal disorder sometimes means the concept of matching clothes is lost on me, but dressing vaguely punk or hipsterish means people don't really notice or alternatively comment on how "fun" I always look.

I've embraced a lot of the facets of my disorder in the past couple years. Doing so reminds me that people don't necessarily think the way I do and I need to look at things from different angles if I want to truly understand and connect with them. I actually, for the most part, love having this disorder. It's kind of become my excuse to "not give a fuck" and I'm over 9000 times happier.

The only part I really, absolutely cannot stand is having an "episode". Maybe someone says something a little off-kilter, maybe someone does something strange, maybe I simply have a random thought...whatever the case, there are a few things that can trigger said episodes. What typically happens is I withdraw from the normal world because I am convinced it's not real and neither am I. I'll run on auto-pilot if I'm in a situation where I really can't escape but most of the time I'll just spend a lot of time alone trying to snap myself back to reality.

 It is the worst thing I have ever felt. You're not angry, sad, hungry, happy, anything like that. You're just scared. Scared and numb. On some occasions I'll become convinced I'm really a ghost haunting my own memories. The last big episode I had lasted about a week, I was literally afraid it was going to last forever. It was one of the only times I've seriously contemplated killing myself.

It should be noted that I rarely have significant episodes like that. I've never needed medication and if I force myself to talk about it when I feel a trigger it gives me perspective and I can easily calm down. It's really only bad during times of stress/depression and as I left my home, loved ones, and general "safety net" behind only 2 months ago, one could imagine how that may have held a large impact on my emotional stability. But hey, I pushed through it with the mindset that things would get better. And they did. I may have embraced some of these "quirks" but my disorder does not define me. I don't let anyone or anything hinder my potential as a human being, this is no different.